the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
