Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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