guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
