it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
