You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
