She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
