How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
