i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
