dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
