I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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