my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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