Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
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You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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