It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
