Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
