her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
