I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
