I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
