What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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