I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
