Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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