My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
