When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
