Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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