I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
