i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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