kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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