No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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