i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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