I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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