I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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