how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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