He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
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Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My liver is preforming stress tests.
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