just come out here and I will go home with you...
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
