i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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