took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
