literally had 100 drinks last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
