11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
