fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
