I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
birth control should be required to get into college
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
