Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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