there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
