So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
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I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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