Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
