I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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