oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize