true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
