I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
