I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
