now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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