I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
