So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
