no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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