he thought i was a dude.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
