i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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