God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
