I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
